Atticted
by Beatlebug
Summary: Kicked out of the house, Sirius finds shelter in the attic of newly divorced man. A man with secrets. What will Sirius be up to when he decides to unravel the mysteries around this mysterious yet kind man? M/M
1. Chapter 1

**Hi! Welcome to my new story. It'll be about ten chapters long, contain very explicit sex scenes and a lot of secrets.**

**Synopsis:**

**Kicked out of the house, Sirius finds shelter in the attic of newly divorced man. A man with secrets.**  
**What will Sirius be up to when he decides to unravel the mysteries around this mysterious yet kind man? Expliciet M/M**

**Warning:**

**M-rated for a reason! M/M, both implied and acting.**  
**I own nothing you recognize is name :)**

Light shone through the beautiful, round window of his attic room. Little specks of dust danced around them, betraying the room could do with a cleaning.  
It was spacious. It smelled of old memories and forests. The floorboard creaked three steps from the door and it was empty.

That was apart from one couch, currently in the middle of the room. It was pretty. A creamy, velvet sofa with wooden edges. Not the whore house kind.  
It was pretty and classic. And it was this very couch Sirius Black holding on to while a middle-aged man plunged his hardly impressive cock up his arse.  
His jeans got stuck somewhere around his knees and his shirt had been lifted just enough for the man to have a good grip on his waist.

It was just a guy he had met in just a bar in just a city. This city, actually. A  
city he had never been before but stumbled upon after his parent's made him a life changing decision.  
A mere eight hours ago, Sirius had been kicked out of the house he had lived in his entire life. Kicked out by people who were supposed to give him a safe haven,  
a place he belonged. They had failed miserably, though. How they ever had been allowed to call themselves parents, he'd never know.  
So when he decided to spend the rest of his money on alcohol to get wasted and die underneath some bridge, a miracle occurred in the shape of a blue piece of paper.

His subconscious, concealed in orgasm building body bend over the sofa, remembered.

_For rent;  
Attic room w/sink, spacious  
Price to be agreed upon  
_  
He moaned when the still not very big cock in again and Sirius slammed against the sofa. That sofa that was currently his only piece of furniture.  
Or belonging all together.

_' Ah, I see you've found the sofa.'  
'It wasn't very hard to find.' Sirius grinned, motioning across the completely empty room.  
'Well. Yes. Sorry about that. She took pretty much everything. This is all she left.'  
The smile on the man's face was sad._

'Can we move?' Sirius asked before he realized.  
'Wha-ha?' The man stuttered mid-trust.  
'Fuck me against the wall.' Sirius said, this time leaving no doubt about what he meant.  
Was it because he felt guilty for defiling his new landlord's sofa with a guy he only just met in some lousy bar? Apparently so.

The man pushed him against the wall and Sirius moaned loud when he pushed his cock back in without further ado.  
He was growing tired of this, once again, meaningless fuck. Trust me. Getting fucked up your ass _could _grow tedious.  
Did this man never come? His subconscious tried to tell him something but he ignored it. Let's just get this over with.

He tightened his muscles around that pulsing member and the man let out another loud groan,  
this time accompanied with a sound that was starting to form itself into Sirius' mind,  
hadn't he slipped a hand between his own legs to finish himself off seeing his selfish lover never thought of it.  
And therefore he didn't hear the noises. At least not before it was too late.

Hasty footsteps on the stairs told him he had to do something but his brain was too occupied with building up an orgasm.  
He knew what was happening before he realized he should've acted on it.  
Pulled away, covered himself up, push the man under the sofa. Whatever. But it was too late now.  
The door was thrown open and another middle aged man with soft, brown hair and equally soft brown eyes walked in looking alarmed.

'Are you alright, I heard a loud thud and a- oh.'  
'Fuck!' The formerly mentioned lover mentioned at the sight of the man. 'Fuck!' He averted his face from the intruder,  
quickly zipping up his pants (quite the challenge with a boner) and grabbed his coat from the sofa.  
His feet were loud as he stomped down the stairs until they heard a door slam.  
In the meantime, Sirius' new found landlord was still staring in shock.

In an attempt to save the last of his dignity Sirius pulled up his own jeans and buttoned it up before looking back at his landlord,  
finding the man as flushed as he was.  
'I.. Just. Right.' And he backed away, closed the door and walked back downstairs.  
'Well, fuck that.'

Sirius flopped down on the sofa, sighed deep once. Twice. And unbuttoned his pants again.  
His hard on sprung free as he hadn't been wearing underwear.  
He had the strange feeling his new landlord would be as little pleased with this discovery as his parents had been.  
So he could just as well make his last few minutes under a roof last. And so he did. Oh he did.

**Well… just a little introduction chapter. Next ones will be longer with a lot more interaction with said landlord.  
Guess who that is huh. Huh?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter two. A little more introduction to how Sirius got where he is now.  
And his inner frustrations that come with being a Black.  
**

Surely you didn't think it would take him long to come. He was 21. Come on. Besides, getting caught always had his charms.  
With his hand wrapped firmly around his cock, it was easy to call up that feeling of the wall against his cheek.  
A sweating body pounding into him.  
But most of all the cool hint of air stroking his thigh as the door got slammed open and two startled, amber eyes stared at him in confusion.

Honestly, he was slightly frustrated that what was took him over the edge. But it did. Oh it did.  
After he had finished, and that didn't take very long, he had cleaned up the mess and sprawled his limbs.  
In the most unrealistic yet comfortable position on the couch imaginable.  
He stared at the room that had been his home for a few hours before he decided to bring a stranger up and get caught by his new landlord.  
It was a shame, really.

It was a nice room. So nice. The dark wood ceiling was clearly authentic and gave it so much character Sirius wished he could kiss it. Hug it. Eat it!  
No no. No eat it. That would go too far.

_For rent;  
Attic room w/sink, spacious  
Price to be agreed upon_

There it was again. The memory of that little piece of paper. There had been an address and a phone number too.  
But after a little investigation (asking people, really) he'd found out the address was just a few blocks from and he decided to have his good looks do the talking.

_The moment the man had opened the door, a big grin had spread across his face. _  
_From the moment he laid eyes on the man, he knew they would get along, no matter how different they were. _  
_And that's what made his reckless behavior not that long ago such a shame. _  
_Sirius sighed. Stupid. He could've been home here. That first meeting had felt safe, even though Sirius would never use that word out lout. _  
_It made him sound like a wimp. But still.._  
_If it hadn't been just a few hours ago, he would've told you he remembered that first meeting as if it were yesterday._

_Sirius knocked on the door. Wearing tight, black jeans and a simple white shirt. Very James Dean.  
A cigarette behind his left ear and curls flinging in his eyes with every move. He was sophisticated, slightly arrogant and definitely handsome.  
And he knew that._

_A middle aged man had opened the door. A tall man, with brown hair and bright, brown eyes. Reading glasses on his nose, a pencil behind his right ear.  
With his brown trousers and equally brown sweater, the contrast between the two of them couldn't have been starker.  
The man was so calm. So ridiculously calm it took Sirius a few seconds to wonder if he was actually there or just a fragment of his frustrated need of a father figure.  
That's what his mom would've said.. Aargh._

_Momentarily lost for words, and that hardly ever happened, Sirius waved the little piece of paper in the air.  
Less taken aback by this meeting, the man had stepped back and welcomed Sirius in._  
_Within minutes Sirius found himself sitting at the kitchen table sipping from a steaming cup of coffee.  
The man seemed to prefer tea himself._

_'So, why a roommate in a house like this?' Sirius asked when he had re-found his usual guts._  
_'Divorce.' The man grimaced. 'Why renting a room in a house like this?'_  
_'Got kicked out.' Sirius shrugged._  
_'Ah.' The man simply said and sipped from his tea once more. Oddly enough he hadn't asked whether the kicking out had been due to thievery or drugs.  
Somehow he thought this man believed in the good of people until proven otherwise.  
And yes. For a moment Sirius had regretted he never had a father figure like this in his life. Damn his mother._

_There was a short silence again before he asked about the sensitive matter of payment.  
__'What can you afford?' The man had asked in a voice as if he was afraid to insult the young student.  
'Well. I've got some money left and with the hope of finding a job soon, whatever you want me to pay.'_

_'I was a student once.' The man had smiled. 'How about 50 pounds a month. Surely you've got better things to do with your money.'  
And Sirius had gratefully accepted the very kind offer.  
Perhaps this man turned out to be some kind of rapist or serial killer but hey, that still would've been better then go crawling back to his parents and ask their forgiveness._

_'So. Divorced?'_  
_'Yes. Well. Yes.' He ran a hand down his face. Sirius knew he couldn't be that old, but his face was worn down. Not old. Just.. lived._  
_'Why?'_  
_'Oh you know. Eternities aren't as long as they used to be.'_  
_'And you ran away from home?'_  
_'My parents kicked me out, actually.'_  
_'Ah.' And again he didn't ask. Why was this man so kind hearted. Why?_

_The man had brought Sirius up to his room after his surprised discovery Sirius had no possessions whatsoever to retrieve first.  
With the mention to bring some towels up he left Sirius around and the latter fell in love with the room instantly.  
He flopped himself on the couch, waiting for footsteps to return on the wooden staircase._

_A knock on the attic door made him smile. So polite._  
_'Come in.' He grinned. The door opened and a man walked in. Remus Lupin, he knew now.  
Newly divorced, 38 years old librarian and the man that put his attic room up for sale._

_'I take it there won't be much furniture from your side, for now?'_  
_'Not really, no.' Sirius answered with a huff as he pulled himself up, sitting a bit straighter on the couch.  
'Turns out to be quite hard, slipping a bed under your shirt when you have to take a run for it.'_  
_Remus smiled, a sad, sweet smile that Sirius was sure of only this man was capable of._

_'May I inquire why you had to take this run for it?' He asked as he sat down next to Sirius, leaning one arm over the back of the couch.  
It was comfortable. It felt like home._  
_'Does one not usually asked these kind of questions before they let a stranger in?'_  
_'Perhaps.' Remus answered._

Sirius growled. He had asked whether Remus Lupin had minded much if he had postponed the answer a little longer. He hadn´t.  
It left Sirius wondering whether all people were supposed like this and being a part of his family had just left him misinformed before stepping in the big,  
not so bad world. If not, than this had to be the most good hearted human being Sirius had ever met.  
Did it make sense to know that within seconds?

Every after-orgasm sigh on this couch made him realize he regretted the fuck earlier today more and more. W  
hy? What was this nonsense? Sirius Black never regretted his decisions. A Black always did what a Black had to do. Right?

Who cared? It was all too late now, though. Even good hearted people had limits and Sirius was sure he had reached that limit.  
Inviting a stranger in your new house for just a fuck within a few hours after you took up residence seemed rather ungrateful now.

A roaring stomach was his reason to get off the couch. He plucked his jacket from the ground and walked down the stairs.  
He was hungry. He'd find himself some junk food and eat it under a bridge. This might just be the time to get used to this.  
He doubted another piece of paper accompanied which such a generous landlord would turn up anytime soon..  
That familiar breeze that touch his face when he opened the door made his regret even bigger. Perhaps Blacks did stupid things.

His feet silently walked down the stairs. Anger was working up in his stomach. Every step down the stairs made him angrier.  
With his family. With himself. With status. With his.. talents.  
His fingers touched the inner pocket through his jacket. If he was truly a Black, he could this Remus Lupin forget what had happened.  
But that was the point, wasn´t it? He _didn't _want to be a Black. At least not the kind he had to be according to his parents.

His stomach protested even more when he passed the kitchen. It smelled of scrambled eggs and bacon and all kinds of other delicious things.  
Damn it. He could still… No. He hid his head in the collar of his coat, tucked his hands deep in his pocket and made his way to the front door.  
Seven steps.  
Six Steps.  
Five steps.

'Leaving?'  
Fuck. He looked to his left and found Remus Lupin standing there. Spatula stirring scrambled eggs but not making any eye contact.

'Probably.' Sirius mumbled. There was a short silence before Lupin turned around and started putting eggs on two plates.  
_Two _plates. He sat down at the table and motioned Sirius to do the same.  
'Why don't you sit down so we can talk about this.. man.'  
'Look, you can kick me out. Whatever.' Sirius spat. 'But give me any daddy issue bullshit and I'll go crazy on you. I swear.'  
His hand was on its way to earlier mentioned pocket again. He could still do it. And worse. He had done worse before in a moment of blind anger.  
Why would this moment be any different? _So he was a Black after all._

'Wasn't going to.' Remus said calmly and to Sirius' surprise the man didn't seem to be taken aback by his fierce response at all. 'A little warning would've been nice, though. Hungry?'  
Sirius stared at the man, completely baffled. Was he serious?  
'Oh come on. You are young. You need to eat. Sit.' He motioned towards the table once more. 'Cold eggs are hardly any good.'

Sirius scraped his throat in an attempt to recover from his unpleasant surprise.  
He removed his hand from his inner pocket, hoping Remus Lupin hadn't seen that unusual move.  
_Not a Black.  
Not a Black.  
Not a Black._  
And the eggs did look good. And the sizzling bacon.. He could.. Hell. Why not.  
He walked towards the table with a still hesitant step but when they made eye contact, silver and gold, Sirius realized he wasn't ready to have a proper dinner yet.

'Perhaps.. Perhaps I should wash my hands first.'

**So. Chapter two. What's in his inner pocket, huh? Next chapter Sirius will be testing some sensitive boundaries in the non-sexual areas.  
Most of all to see what made Remus Lupin such a kind-hearted man in the first place. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Few things.. Sirius never met Tonks because his parents didn´t want him to.  
Plus I altered the time they got married and stuff. It's not that important for the further story so I'm sure you'll forgive me ;).  
That thing in his inner pocket.. you´ll find out eventually.. But feel free to guess what it is!**

And so he did. He washed his hands, sat down and enjoyed the best meal he had had in quite some time.  
The thing responsible for cooking at his parent´s place, Kreacher, seemed to have a thing for making food Sirius despised.  
Asparagus, par example. Mushrooms.  
But this food was simply divine. Hot, tasty, spiced to perfection. And the bacon. Oh Christ. The bacon.

´Why are you so kind?' Sirius asked bluntly with his bacon-stuffed mouth.  
'Excuse me?'  
'Why are you so kind. Why didn't you kick me out after.. Well. That certain display of affection.'  
'Ah. That. Well.' Remus grimaced. 'I've seen enough hatred in this world to not want to be a part of it.'  
'Like what?' Sirius asked but Remus kindly declined from answering by taking a big bite of his own eggs.  
'Ahh, I get it.' Sirius continued. 'A girl doesn't kiss and tell.'  
Remus raised an amused eyebrow.  
'And here I was, thinking I was a boy.'  
'Silly figure of speech. Don't mind me. How about I inquire about your divorce instead?'  
There was a short silence en Sirius sighed.  
'Oh, come on. You found out one of my secrets _and _the reason why I got kicked out. Aren't I entitled to at least _one _ little secret in return? How about I inquire about your divorce instead?'  
'What makes you think that wasn't the cruel thing that happened to me?'  
'People don't have pictures on their mantelpiece of those who've wronged them.'  
'Fair point.' Both of them glared into the living room. There was, Sirius assumed, a weddingpicture of Remus with a much younger woman with bright, pink hair.  
Not the kind he would've matched with this plain-looking man but who was he to decide.

'Why did you get divorced?' He asked.  
'We aren't in love anymore.' But the answer came too quick. To studied.  
'Bullshit. My parents were never in love and they're still married. I think. Why did you get a divorce?  
And why would her pictures still be _everywhere. _She didn't die, did she?'  
'No. No she didn't die. She's very much alive. It's just so..' He scraped his throat as if to eliminate all the words he didn't want to come out. 'It's to remind me that I.. That things can be.. different.'  
'Right..' Sirius frowned, not sure if he was satisfied with this answer. 'So. Back to our first topic of you not kicking me out because of certain displays of affection. Did you think it was hot?'

Why did he say that? Why on earth could Sirius Orion Black never shut his big mouth and provoke things into oblivion?  
Did he seriously just ask this? Wasn't this pretty much begging to get kicked out?  
'Excuse me?' Remus Lupin asked, again. But the look in his eyes, trying to avoid Sirius' by all means, betrayed the man knew exactly what he was talking about.  
And was that a red blush creeping up those pale cheeks? It most definitely was. This was fascinating yet dangerous territory.  
But Sirius Black liked a little danger every now and then and so he kept walking.  
Sirius Black wouldn't be Sirius Black if he wouldn't stretch boundaries as far as he could.

'Is that why you got divorced? How did she find out?'  
'Find out _what.' _He asked casually, taking another bite of egg, but Sirius was sure he saw him tense up.  
'That you were gay.' Yes, it was cruel. Yes, it was blunt. But wasn't that the way Sirius Black was?  
'I don't know what you're talking about.' Remus mumbled, finishing his plate and starting on his tea.  
'Oh you don't?' Sirius leaned back on his chair, one arm over the back. 'Pardon me, but most men react a lot different to finding a young man in 'bed' with another man. They get angry or confused. But definitely not flustered. And definitely not hard. Don't tell me what I saw was wrong.'

That was downright bullshit, of course. The man had been in de room for merely four seconds and Sirius couldn't recall seeing anything else than his face.  
But we probably established by now that Sirius is a blunt, impulsive and provocative son of a bitch. Those would be his own, literal words.

'I wasn't.. That didn't happen.' Remus said as calm as he could but Sirius was sure the man was on the verge of losing his cool.  
'You were. I'm not blind.'  
'I beg to differ. I was happily married for 10 years.'  
'No, no, no.' Sirius shook his head. 'You were _married_ for 10 years. _Big _difference.'  
There was a silence. Did Remus just decide not to answer anymore? He stared at the calm man, sitting there just sipping from his tea.  
There had to be a breaking point.

'Have you know for a long time?' Sirius finally broke the silence.  
'I am _not gay!' _Remus shouted, throwing his cup of tea on the ground. It shattered to a thousand pieces in the very literal breaking point Sirius was looking for.  
Almost immediately he fell down to his knees and started to collect the shards of the cup.  
'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have lost my temper. I'm sorry.' He trembled.  
Sirius probably should've fell down on his knees as well and help clean up but he was too taken aback by the man's response.  
Not the shouting.  
Not the cup shattering.  
He had every right to do so. But was this man apologizing? Why on earth would he do that?

'I shouldn't have pushed it..' He admitted, shrugging.  
'No. You shouldn't have.'  
'It's true though, isn't it?' Sirius tried once more and Remus collecting the shards and stared up at him with sad and not even slightly angry eyes. He sighed deep.  
'Can we please forget about this and finish dinner? I don't want to be angry with you.'  
'Are you sure? You can call me names if you want to. I deserved it.'  
'No. I'd rather not. I have to leave for a few days in two hours. I always get a little testy when I have to leave but I'd feel horrible if we'd part in anger.  
Something could go wrong and I'd die while… working. I couldn't forgive myself for that.'

'Die? Where the hell are you going?' Sirius awed and he saw Remus scold himself.  
'Just something for work.'  
'Right..' Sirius nodded. 'Librarian work. _Very_ dangerous.' Remus nudged his shoulder.  
'Don't be a smarty pants.'  
'You love it.'

Remus shot him one last glare but it quickly turned into a forgiving smile as Sirius gave him a big grin with the last piece of bacon between his teeth.

**There. Last chapter. So, Remus is leaving for the weekend. What about Sirius?  
Is he going to be kicked out after all or is Remus really that kind hearted that he'll leave him in the house while he's gone?  
And could he truly be gay..?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi there! Thank you so much for all the reviews and favorites! They are so appreciated!  
Here's another chapter for you. Not very long, but who'll know where it takes us?**

He thought Remus would ask him to find another place to stay for those two days. Or at least the one night.  
Go visit a friend. Have fun. Be wild. Be young.

Point was he had none. Friends. There was plenty of fun, it was usually just very short, casual and promiscuous.  
The magnificent Sirius Black, friendless, I hear you think? It was what came with homeschooling and extremely strict parents.  
He could only hangout with whomever they chose for him. Usually cousins he didn't like a lot. Hence the no friends.

Even when he had gotten a letter from a very prestigious boarding school he had been dreaming of going to his entire life, they had refused.  
His brother had been allowed to go. But of course that little fuck had politely refused himself.  
He didn't want to take the risk of bad influence by those not worthy to go to that school. Their mother had swooned over her perfect little boy.  
Wasn't little Regulus just perfect? Doing everything his parents longed from him. No, then that brother of him.

His parents had been right though. Had he been given the chance to go to said school, he would've befriended the most despicable scum he could find.  
Everything to piss of his lovely mom.

Anyway, back to business. Remus had never asked him to leave or stay with friends.  
He just gave him the spare key he could use from now on (_seeing you live here now, too) _and had left.  
With a friendly handshake and quick, spontaneous and slightly awkward hug. So here he was. Sirius Black. Alone in a big, big house. But what to do now?

He had promised Remus he wouldn't burn it down so that wasn't an option.  
His arm dangled over the back of the comfy chair he sat in, staring around the living room.  
Remus has said he could use everything in the house and that he, of course, would not be just bound to his attic room.  
Sirius smiled. That man was just a delight. As was his house. It was so.. home.  
In that one day in this house he had felt more at home than he had ever done at his parents' place.

They used to lock him up in his bedroom when they left, ever since he was a toddler. He could still remember how he finally managed to escape when he was 12.  
He had just learned how to open locks but had chosen the unfortunate time to do so just when Kreacher had walked up the stairs.  
Of course the little cunt had told his parents. Sirius shuddered at the memory.  
The spanking his father had given him afterwards was something he never forgot. He could still feel the belt on his young flesh.  
Ashamed to say so, that spanking had kept him from ever leaving his room again when locked up. Ever.  
It was today he had finally found the guts to leave but even then the thought had crept in his mind.  
He was convinced his father had given him another one of those spankings had Sirius not run him out.

And then there was this man that just gave him the key and permission to walk around wherever he felt like going. After _one _day.  
Their was a weird tug in his stomach. Remus Lupin.

'Remus Lupin.' He whispered. The way the name rolled of his tongue was perfect. 'Remus Lupin.'  
There was a slight twitch in his groin and he sighed deeply.  
'Come on.' He grouched. 'That man could've been your father. And he's not _that _hot.'  
Oh please. What was he trying to tell himself? The man he took up earlier made Remus look like a God. He sighed. Remus didn't need the man to look like a God.  
He was a God. The God of books for all he cared, but he was a God. That tall figure. Broad shoulders. Skinny but not too.  
The brown hair and the golden eyes that looked over those reading glasses when he had opened the door.  
Was this really worth wanking over? His new landlord, for fuck's sake? Sirius sighed again. He was 21.  
Wasn't everything worth wanking over?

So he unzipped his trousers and slipped is hand in to free his half-hard cock and started to pump his fist up and down.  
He closed his eyes as he jerked off, hardly noticing the sweet, musky smell of the house creeping up his nose and filling his head with desire.  
It made him rock hard, that smell. It reminded him of kind eyes, a friendly smile. A slightly awkward hug and the way the man had felt in his arms.  
No matter how short it had lasted, it had felt so good..

He could feel the orgasm creep up on him, along with a slight hint of guilt and more desire he couldn't quite place. It didn't take him long to realize.  
He opened his eyes and they locked with golden ones, framed in a certain wedding picture and he came.  
Thick strands of pearly liquid fell on his hand and on his jeans.

'Fuck!' He shouted. More out of frustration than from enjoying the orgasm. This was so wrong. It made him feel disgusting.  
This was not right. This could not be.

He had to go. That was it. He couldn't stay here any longer. Not like this. He could not fall in love with a man he had only just met.  
Sirius Black didn't do such things. This could only end in trouble. Every thing he ever did only lead to trouble.  
The first mistake he ever made was getting born and everything had gone downhill after that.  
Best case scenario, Remus would never love him back and it would just end there. Worst case scenario this would end up in World War Three.  
Trust me. He was capable of causing that. His mother had told him so on many occasions.

He wiped a hand across his face, the clean one, and made up his mind. He really had to go.  
After he cleaned up his cum, he walked over to the stationary on the desk and scribbled down a quick goodbye.  
Nothing detailed. No words of possible love. Just that he couldn't stay and it would all be for the best.  
He neatly placed it on the kitchen table where he was sure Remus would have his cup of tea when he'd come home.

Then, in one last moment of frustrated fury he walked into the living room and knocked over all the photographs of the woman on the mantelpiece.  
One of them fell to the ground and the glass shattered as the cup of tea had done earlier that day. Good.  
Perhaps goodbyes would be easier if Remus thought he had just been some vandalistic teenager that came to ruin his house.  
Sirius stared at the shattered glass and swallowed the tears away. No crying. Nothing to be sad about. W  
ho cared he could've been at home here. He shouldn't make things make more complicated than they had to be.

Still, deep inside he knew every shattered piece of glass would from now on remind him of sad, brown eyes and everlasting kindness.

'Please, just don't lie to yourself anymore.' He whispered as he picked his coat from the defiled chair and would out, slamming the door behind him.  
He felt guilty, dirty and never wanted to come back to this part of town again. Ever.

**There… What now?**


	5. Chapter 5

**A little background on our poor, poor Sirius. **

Sirius cursed himself. He could've decided to leave after spending the night in a warm, comfortable home.  
Now he had to find some other place to stay. Preferably something not too expensive since he had no idea how long he'd have to last with the money left.

He found an affordable place soon enough in the shape of a crappy but nevertheless rather clean motel. But it was cold.  
And so he did what he did best to forget stuff. Fuck.

The first man he picked up was not very tall, typically handsome with dark hair and bright blue eyes.  
If anyone had told him this man was the exact opposite of Remus Lupin, just to forget, Sirius would've punched them in the face.  
It was an angry fuck to let go of his unwanted emotions. It was raw and wild and nothing sweet.

The second man was some old business man, probably with a wife and kind, trying to forget how miserable he felt about his life by pounding into pretty young men.  
Sirius didn't mind seeing he was doing something similar. This fuck was hardly average, not very special and just a fuck, really.  
Sirius never came because he started to feel disgusted with the man before he was even done and didn't really want those hands to touch him anywhere else than hips or shoulders.

It was the third man that was a clear mistake. This man was tall with broad shoulder and brown hair. Don't say it. He'll punch you in the face.  
But with every thrust Sirius felt as if he looked upon this situation from another point of view and then it wasn't just a tall man with brown hair.  
It would be _that_ tall man with brown hair. With every thrust he'd get more frustrated. He longed for him. But why? Sirius Black had never fallen in love before.  
If there was one thing his parents had taught him, it was that love made vulnerable.

First when he was 3 and his mother had thrown his favorite teddy bear in the fireplace after he had pinched his little brother.  
Second when he was 8 and his uncle Alphard had prevented a rather harsh spanking for dropping a plate from his mother's exclusive collection.  
She had sworn he was never allowed to see his favorite uncle again. And he had gotten the spanking either way.  
The third time when he was 13. His father had caught him wanking off. Unfortunate, it was the first time he had ever tried.  
But he got caught and his father had taken away his right to talk to his neighbor. A boy with the same interests that he really had grown to care for.  
Probably the first time he had ever felt something warm for another human being.

Yes, Sirius Black had learned from a very young age that caring only lead to trouble. Not that he was a dead fish or cold as stone.  
He could be a kind human being. Really. But it was so much easier to pretend not to care. If you didn't care, there was nothing people could use against you.  
_He'd protect you._ A little voice in his mind told him.  
_How could he protect me. _Sirius retorted. _He is just.. just a human being.  
He would protect you. He cares for you._  
'Fuck off.' Sirius hadn't been sure whether he was still talking to the voice in his head but it was the man in his arse that answered.  
'W-what?'  
'Fuck off!' Sirius shouted this time, pulling away. He moaned as the dick slipped out of him and made him feel undone. Nevertheless he pulled up his jeans.  
'Fuck off!' He told the man again.  
'What about this?!' The man snapped, motioning at his hard cock.  
'Wank off. I'm sure you are used to that. Now get the fuck out!' Sirius jumped from the bed, the man was still standing beside it, and starting pushing the man towards the door. How could he ever have thought of Remus while this man was fucking him? He was nothing like him. He didn't smell like him. He didn't feel like him. He didn't have the sweet, gentle look in his eyes like him.  
'Asshole!' The man shouted as Sirius closed the door.  
'Yes, and that's all you'll ever get!' Sirius answered as he banged his head against the door. Again and again and again until it hurt. Pain. Good. At least he was still capable of feeling something.

He could see Teddy smoldering in the fireplace. Bang. He could hear himself, a young, eight year old boy begging his mom to stop, please, stop as her hand spanked his naked behind. He had begged, he had cried and struggled but she hadn't stopped until he could no longer struggle. Bang.  
He could see the look on Jack's face when his father had forced him to tell the boy he hated him and never wanted to see him again. Bang. He could feel the leather strap on his back again as a second punishment. And he could clearly remember how he had no longer shouted or struggle. He just stood there, bend over, staring into nothing as if something cold held grip of his heart.

That had probably been the point he decided not to feel again. Not to care again.  
_Perhaps he was sent to make you feel again. _The little voice said determined.  
'FUCK OFF' Sirius shouted one last time as he covered his ears and flopped down on the bed, pillow over his head but the voice wouldn't stop. All night long it repeated its annoying mantra, over and over again as if it wanted to drive him crazy.

_He'd protect you. _

_He'd protect you._

_He'd protect you._

_He'd protect you._

_He'd protect you._

_He'd protect you._

_He'd protect you._


	6. Chapter 6

**I said it was going be around 10 chapters, but that's not going to happen haha. This is 6 already and there is so much left I have to do or say. I'll never make it. I think. Aargh! Well.. For now just read and review, I guess!**

Apparently the mantra had finally droned him to sleep as he woke up way past lunchtime. He was still in the bed, half naked en smelling of sex and unknown men. Sirius wished he could choke himself with his pillow. Unfortunately he couldn't. Nor did he want to, really. Living was quite okay. No matter how messed up his head seemed to be right now.

Was he really in love? That fast? Was he not just mistaking care for something bigger, something it was not? He found the man attractive, sure. But how and when would something like that turn in love? Surely not like this and surely not that fast. No.

He shook his head. He was being ridiculous and way too sentimental. Something his mom would always call it. Sirius preferred passionate, but perhaps she had been right. Sentimental. Probably. He should just forget about this man and move on. No matter how kind and caring Remus Lupin had been, it was better if he never thought about him again. He hated this confused feeling. As if something stuffed his head with cotton candy and lit it on fire. It that's a thing.

What is his parents were right after all? What if the outside world made you think and feel things you didn't want to think and feel? What if they deceived you, betrayed you with their honeyed words and kind eyes? He stared at nothing in particular as his fingers plucked at the blanket. He could always go home.. They would never have to know about this brief moment of confusion. About the four other man he fucked in one day time. Five in total with the one he got kicked out for. About the spare moment he believed to be in love. Surely if he'd tell them it was all a mistake, just a part of his stupid rebellion, they'd take him back in. He'd marry a pureblood woman, probably his cousin, and go back to his life without emotions. He'd have kids and raise them the way his parents had raised him.

Yes. That was probably the right decision. Life with his parents had never been perfect but it never left him confused either. Over there he knew what was expected of him and what to expect in return. His rebellion had probably all been for nothing and his brother had known better all along. His parents may have been right all along. He had let his stubborn head run away with him and now he came to regret it, as they had always predicted.  
'Perhaps a spanking is what I need right now to get these ridiculous thoughts out of my head.' He mumbled to himself. Frankly, Sirius was convinced that was the best way to ask for forgiveness. Simply walk in and ask to be punished. His mother was sadistic enough not to have any problem whipping her 21 year old son. One last spanking to get him obedient. As they always wanted.

He sighed deeply as he rolled of the bed.  
'I guess I made up my mind then. Grimmauld place it is.' He slowly put on his leather jacket. 'No more fucking men, no more mister big mouth. No more Sirius Orion Black as we know him.'  
He pushed open the door and walked into the drizzly rain.  
'No more free will, no more free spirit.' He muttered as we walked down the street. 'No more discussions or fights or punishments.' With his hands deep in his pockets and his head in his collar he didn't notice how people around him stared at the muttering stranger.

He kept on muttering and convincing himself this was probably the best until a deafening thunder struck the sky and the rain came pouring down with bucketloads on his curly head.  
'Well. Fuck that.' He mumbled as he stumbled backwards into the first shop he could find.  
A little bell rang and he sighed satisfied at the warmth that wrapped it's arms around him until a fierce voice woke him from his slumber.

'Are you just going to soak the floor or what?'

**Small one, I know. This was originally part of a chapter but putting it together gave to much away at once, to my liking.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Some introductions of new characters. You can both love or hate me for it. But I guess I'd prefer love.**

Not impressed with the harsh greeting, Sirius turned around. The source of the voice was a young woman, hands on her hips.  
Her green eyes were clearly keen on chasing him out of the shop as soon as she could. She was young. Somewhere around his own age, Sirius guessed.  
'Just a customer, madam.' He took of a pretend hat and bowed.  
'Great. But why are you soaking my floor. You hardly seem like the kind of guy interested in books.'  
Books? He quickly looked around to notice he had, indeed, stumbled into some sort of bookstore. Obviously a bookstore contained books. So. Books.  
'You are mistaken!' He exclaimed. 'I'd love to have a look around!' That was a lie, really. He had nothing with books whatsoever.  
But it was dry and warm in here and he very much wanted to enjoy that a little longer.  
The woman sighed, clearly not impressed.  
'Fine. But I don't have time to answer any questions right now. We are understaffed as it is with Peter being sick and.. James!'

She turned sideways and it was only now Sirius realized she was pregnant. Undeniably.  
'James!' The woman said again and a young man, Sirius' age as well, popped his head around the corner. He was rather goofy.  
Yet somehow unruly handsome, Sirius thought. His hair poked in every direction and a pair of round glasses balanced on his long nose.  
'You called, ma'am?'  
To Sirius' surprise the woman could muster up a sweet smile. Was he the father of the child, perhaps? What a shame. He was quite good looking.  
Had the man been gay, Sirius definitely would've tried something.

He scorned himself. Sinful thoughts. Cut it out. _I'm just here to dry up and wait for it to stop raining.  
Then I'll go home, straighten myself out and marry some cousin._

'Could you please show this man around?'  
'Of course. If you follow me, sir?' And Sirius did so gladly. He knew how feisty pregnant women could be and frankly, he was not very fond of this particular one.

'So, anything in particular you are looking for?' James motioned in the direction of the bookcases in a rather comical fashion.  
Sirius grinned. He liked this guy.  
'Not really. Sorry. I was just finding shelter. Rain, you know.' Somehow Sirius felt the young man wouldn't need lies or excuses.  
And indeed, James grinned.  
'It is bad, isn't it? How about a cup of coffee in my office then? You are our first customer today and I seriously doubt we'll have more with weather like this.'  
'You have your own office? Awesome.'  
'Hardly.'

Hardly was the right answer. The room was very small, had no windows and just a table, two chairs and a huge thing, too large for the little table, Sirius assumed was to make coffee.  
'That is one huge thing.' Sirius pointed.  
'I know, right? Lily says it's too big but I got it through. She loves coffee.'  
Lily was probably the pregnant woman.  
They both sat down and James started the ridiculously long process of making them both a cup of coffee.  
It seemed difficult, or at least James made it look so, and Sirius just sat in silence and watched.

A few minutes later they both enjoyed a cup of steaming hot and, Sirius had to admit, delicious coffee.  
They drank, stared at each other and grinned every now and then. They didn't talk.  
It was fun yet slightly awkward and Sirius knew why. At least from his side. He had never been allowed to talk to people his parents hadn't chosen for him.  
Apart from Remus but seriously, how much time had he spend with that man?

Now that he was finally out and about, meeting new people, he had no clue what to talk about. What if he gave away too much information?  
What if James had somehow heard about his family and decided he didn't want to talk with a Black. Was that possible?

'The walls are very empty.' Sirius noted.  
'Lily doesn't let me put up stuff.' The red-haired woman again. He was getting more convinced with every word the baby in her belly was James'. 'Just in case someone ever walks in who's not.. Well. Someone like you. I guess.' He smiled as he poured Sirius a steaming hot cup of coffee. Someone like him? He wished for a mirror.  
What was so special about him? Or did this Lily have a problem with wet people? But what did wet people have to do with putting stuff on your walls?

He looked up and stared at James, grinning apologetically. This was getting more awkward and weird by the minute.

'So.. Do you like sports?'

'Oh, I do! I love..' But halfway his sentence Sirius realized that, too, was something he probably shouldn't be talking about. 'Football.' He finished.  
'Me too!' James said. 'What is your favorite team?'  
Caught. Like a rat in a trap. Sirius sighed.  
'I know shit about football.' He admitted. To his surprised James let out a relieved sigh as well.  
'Thank God. Neither do I. I only know one team and apparently they've been losing all year.'  
'I know, right! I just don't get it. Running after a ball like that. Are there even rules? Don't they get exhausted?'  
And that was how conversation started. They spent minutes talking about what little they knew of football and how ridiculous a sport it actually was.  
Sirius actually enjoyed the conversation until a little voice in the back of his head started nagging again.

_See. The world isn't that bad. You just met a great person. On your own. Without your parents.  
_Shut up._  
Just saying._

The conversation on football had dried but Sirius didn't want to stop talking.  
Not yet. No matter how much he tried to deny, the little voice was telling him the truth.  
He could at least have one last, amazing and not sexual encounter with a stranger, before he'd get locked up again?

´So, why do you work in a bookshop?'  
'Library' James corrected him between sips. 'A very small one with antiques only, but a library nevertheless. Lily started it after school and I help out on days the others aren't in.'  
'You don't have a job?'  
'I do. But it's not very bound to hours so I can help out when she needs it.'  
'What do you do?'  
James bit his lip and hesitated. Was it not custom to ask someone about their jobs here?  
'It's not that hard to explain, is it? Or is it a secret? Are you some kind of detective.'  
James laughed and seemed not to be bothered with his secrets that much any longer.  
'Well. Kind off. So forgive me I can't tell too much.'  
'Fine. You be secretive.'  
'That's Mister Secretive to you, sir!' James joked, but it went unnoticed by Sirius as all of a sudden the little voice just kept repeating one word.  
So hard and so deafening he wouldn't have noticed had the roof fallen on his head.

_Library. Library. Library. Library. Library. Library. Library. Library. Library. Library. Library. Library._

Could faith really be that cruel? That of all the shops in all of this town, he would stumble into the one that.. He had to ask.  
He simply had to or the little voice in his head would never let him live it down.

'Does a man with brown hair work here? Glasses, brown eyes, around 40 years old. I think he's away on business right now?'  
James grinned.  
'Away on business? Why would a librarian go away on business.'  
Sirius frowned. Why would the man lie about that? First wet people, now this. This library seemed to be one big puddle of weird.  
'That's weird.' Sirius muttered. ' I'm sure Remus mentioned he had to leave for work.'  
All of a sudden, panic struck James' cheery face and he moved oddly as if he expected something to fall out of the air to rescue him.  
' Oh. Remus. Yes, of course. Remus is doing business stuff. I had him confused with.. Romulus. Yes. They look quite alike.'

Sirius cocked his head. Was it him or were thing growing weirder with every second and every word?  
Finally he settled for not asking more. Things were confusing enough as it was.  
' Life is confusing, isn't it.' Was what he said en James groaned in relieve, glad this curly headed boy decided not to ask anymore.

Suddenly James stared at him with the same kind of realization Sirius had had seconds earlier.  
'Are you that Sirius guy?'  
Sirius was a bit shocked that James just plucked his name out of thin air like that.  
'You rented the attic, right? Remus asked us to keep you company last night but you didn't answer the door.'  
'To keep me company?' Something stung. 'Didn't he trust me to stay home alone?'

'Of course he does!' James exclaimed. 'Remus is a saint. He trusts fucking everyone. He even let me house sit for him once. Everyone can tell you _that_ is just begging for trouble. I guess he just thought you could use some company. Frankly, I think we are quite the match, sir.'  
He offered Sirius his hand and the boy took it.  
'I'm James Potter.'  
'Sirius..' Sirius answered with a slight hesitation he hoped James wouldn't notice. 'White. Sirius White.'  
There was a short silence. Remus had tried to find him friends. Had he known Sirius had none? How? Why in the world would the man be so kind to him.

'He is a good guy, you know. He wouldn't hurt a fly. There's no better landlord in the world, I bet.'  
Sirius looked up to find James staring at him with a strange look in his eyes. As if he knew what Sirius was thinking. Was that possible?  
Could he be.. No. That was ridiculous. And he couldn't just ask..

'But why?' Sirius asked instead. Why is he so kind? Surely he can't be that good'all the time. Such people don't exist.'  
James smiled and this time it was sad.  
'He's been through a lot. He wants to safe people from a similar fate.' He cocked his head. 'I guess you've been through some trouble yourself? He can get very protective when it comes to that. Many people abandoned him in his life and he wants to prevent others from that pain. Don't tell him I said that!' He hastily added but Sirius was hardly listening any longer.

There was so much hesitation in his head that even his sight got blurry. He had done something stupid. He made a terrible mistake.

'Will you excuse me?' He half whispered. 'I have to go.. home.'

And without further ado Sirius stormed out, back into the pouring rain, leaving a frowning Lily and a surprised James behind.  
Sirius was quite sure James had no idea what their short meeting had led to. The boy might have saved his life.  
There was just one thing he had to do. Just to be sure..

As he walked into the alleyway he dug his hand in his pocket. There was one way to make sure he never wanted to go home ever again.  
That he was _not_ just a Black, but a new one. A better one. In some dark and dusky corner between the wall and a bin, a spider had made himself a pretty web.  
Sirius kneeled beside it, his heart in his throat. As his hand whipped out the thing in, he pointed it at the spider and whispered the one word he hated the most.

The little creature trembled terribly and made a horrible sound he never knew spiders were capable off. He could feel a terrible feeling of guilt sear through his veins.  
He nodded. Guilt. Good. He was not as Black as he wished, or feared, he was.  
He tugged the thing back in his inner pocket and stood up, turning around and making his way back to the place he'd call home from now on.  
Somewhere he'd never have to have secrets and could just feel safe with someone he was _not_ in love with. S  
omeone that could be his new dad.  
Someone he could tell everything.  
Well.. Almost everything.

**Come one. That must've solved the riddle about the thing in his pocket at least a little bit, right?  
Working on the next chapter as we speak and I hope to have it online this week. It'll be.. cute yet a little disturbing.**


	8. Chapter 8

**I felt everything went too fast with the chapters with all the changes of mind and brainwashing by his parents.  
****So hopefully the next two chapters will put everything back in its place for both you and me. **

He had to go back as fast as he could. His feet ran through the wet streets.  
All Sirius could hope for was that Remus hadn't been home yet and that the little piece of paper was still on the kitchen table.  
No matter how kind hearted the guy was, Sirius seriously doubted the man would endlessly forgive him for his poor choices.  
And that was something he could not use right now in this, even though he'd rather not admitted it, fragile state of mind.

Because he was well aware it was all fragile. After all, within a few hours of him leaving, the brainwash of his youth had washed back over him.  
How could he not have seen that in the first place, when he decided to leave Remus? That all his doubt was just proof that his parents had succeeded after all.  
They made him believe he could be something better. Superior. Something they had always wanted him to be.

It was clear to him now it was Remus he needed. No matter what or how. This man did something good to his brain. It made him feel safe and at home.  
That things were good and that he could feel welcome. And if this was what it lead to, to fall in love over time Not the casual fling thing.  
But daring to be confused. When he finally realized being confused was not necessarily a bad thing.  
At home he had always know what he was fighting against because his world existed out of nothing more than fighting his parents every step of the way.

Now there was so much more. People with different views on life. Ones he might agree with. And that confused him for it was different and new.  
Different but good. Remus had, within a day, made him feel there was more in the world than riches and pure blood.  
That one could get somewhere with a positive attitude and a kind heart. Some with James. They made him feel like a better person.  
As long as one of them would be around, he'd be safe. Sirius was sure that the more time he'd spend with them, the more he'd get to know himself.  
The real Sirius. The Sirius he could be if he had no parents to fight. A Sirius that would make his own choices _and_ be able to live them.

He laughed out loud. It was like a barking laugh, a real one. Not the polite kind he had to put up on birthdays and visit.  
It was a part of the real Sirius and he was glad to get to know it. For a second he even forgot about the pouring rain.  
And that he was quite sure he was getting lost.  
After he was sure he got soaked to the bone and you could fill a pool if you'd wring him out, he finally recognized the street he was in.  
And the house. And the person standing there.

It was Remus, bag of groceries on his arm, digging for his key and as soaked as Sirius was.  
Sirius took a sprint towards the man and couldn't help but grin. He was still in time.  
'Allow me.' Sirius shouted over the deafening rain hitting the streets. Remus turned around. He had to squeeze his eyes to prevent the rain from blurring his sight more.  
He looked amazing.  
When he finally seemed to realize who it was shouting in his ear, he almost dropped his bag of groceries.  
'I'm sorry.' Sirius smirked. 'You look like you've seen a ghost.'  
Remus recovered quickly and smiled.

'Not in quite some time. Left pocket.'  
Sirius stuck his hand in the pocket and retrieved one single key from it. He opened the door and was kind enough to let Remus in first.  
But as soon as the man stepped in, Sirius shot past him towards the kitchen. He stuffed the piece of paper that, thank God, was still there, in his soaked jeans.  
Remus followed soon and put the groceries on the table.  
They were both still dripping from the rain, creating little puddles on the kitchen floor.

Sirius couldn't help but stare. He no longer tried to deny the little flips his heart made. He had come to terms with all this now.  
Feeling safe was first on his important list. Whether or not he was falling in love was something time would show.  
But as Remus was standing there, dispatched from the soaked coat but still wet.. Sirius couldn't help but stare.  
His, again brown, sweater was wet and stuck to his stomach.  
His hair dripped little drops of rains on his face and occasionally Remus would blink if one of them hit him in the eye.  
Even his glasses were dotted with raindrops. It was a cute sight.

'Why don't you go take a shower while I unpack the groceries.' Remus offered and Sirius wasn't sure whether he was just pretending he didn't notice Sirius staring.  
Who cared.  
'I have no dry clothes.' Sirius shrugged. There were other ways. But that would be too suspicious. Or unexplainable.  
'I'll bring you some of mine. I take it you know where the bathroom is?'  
'Same place you first showed me?'  
'Probably. Rooms don't tend to move around here, but you never know.' He joked and Sirius laughed.  
What a delight this man was. What was he thinking, wanting to leave.

Not that much later Sirius was sitting on the couch in the living room, freshly showered.  
Remus had balanced some clothes on the edge of the sink and Sirius was wearing them right now.  
The wet pile of clothes on the first had soon lost his interest when he put on some very comfortable sweatpants.  
His curls still moist, legs pulled up and his arms tight around himself, he felt like he was on the most relaxed holiday ever.  
The sweater was brown, warm and smelled a lot like Remus. It felt amazing and so safe.  
How could he have wanted to leave this place for almost an entire day?

'Plans for this evening?'  
This time it was Remus' turn to startle Sirius. He had nog seen the man come into the living.  
'No, not really. You?' Remus sat down on the rather small couch next to Sirius, his hair peaky and wet. His kin still radiated heat from the shower.  
' Just rest, really.' He said and Sirius saw the man indeed did look exhausted. And not just that. Quite tattered too.  
Was that a bruise on his cheek? And a scratch in his neck?  
'What on earth do you do on these trips.' He asked as he tried to touch Remus' cheek but the man gently avoided the touch by slowly pushing away the hand.  
'Oh, you know. Stuff.' Remus waved away the question and for once, Sirius accepted the refusal.  
'How about we watch a movie?' Sirius offered instead.  
'Excellent plan.' Remus smiled. ' I fear my collection mostly exists of French Arthouse and classic horror though.'  
'Classic horror is fine.' Sirius said, not wanting to admit this would be the first movie he had would see in his life.

When Remus walked towards the movies, next to the mantelpiece, his heart stopped beating. The picture frames.  
Could he secretly sneak over while Remus was searching for a movie and put them up? He glanced at the mantelpiece, the floor.  
But the frames were all in place. Even the one he dropped on the ground was no longer shattered. How was that..  
Did he just imagine throwing them over? He hadn't been that confused? But there wasn't much time to ponder over it. Remus turned around with a movie in his hands.  
'How about this one?'  
'Sure!' Sirius smiled and felt the panic slip away. Remus didn't seem to acknowledge anything weird. Perhaps he shouldn't be worried too much. Hell.  
Perhaps there are frequent earthquakes in this region and Remus just put them back up again while Sirius was taking a shower.

They settled for a classic horror called Psycho and Sirius absolutely enjoyed it. The movement, the sound.  
All coming out from that thing he knew was called a tv. He loved this new world and all the things he had to offer.  
His insides burned with content. With gratitude to whatever God it was that made him meet James.  
The man that had singlehandedly turned his world upside down and made him go back to Remus  
Where he was now, drinking tea, watching movie and having a great time.  
Remus had laughed at him when Sirius had shouted when the woman got killed in the shower.  
Sirius had kicked his leg in return and they both had grinned. It was a good movie.

When the film was done and Sirius was pretty much glowing with excitement of having such a great time, he turned towards Remus and found himself being stared at.  
'Are you alright?' Sirius asked, puzzled by the grim face.  
' How did you know?' Remus asked.  
'Know what?'

_**There we are. Next chapter is as good as done!**_


	9. Chapter 9

'Know what?' Sirius repeated but Remus shook his head.  
'Never mind. I shouldn't have asked. My mind is still a bit.. weird from the past few days. I didn't mean to pry.'  
'No, please. Ask.'  
Remus hesitated. It was weird to see a man that calm and almost twice his own age with doubt in his eyes.

So unlike every adult he grew up with, whom always seem to be so full of themselves.  
'It's just that I was curious how..'  
'Yes?'  
'How you know for sure that you were..?'  
'Gay?' Sirius asked and Remus seemed to sigh in relieve, not having to say the word himself.  
'Yes.'

That was quite the surprise. Remus seemed to be so easy to talk with, yet he had trouble asking something like this.  
Why? Because it was a private matter? Sirius thought he kind of threw away the right to say it was a private matter when he got caught with a dick up his arse.  
But what if he asked because he.. Because he needed to know what it felt like? What if he..

All of a sudden, Sirius realized how rude he had been on this matter the other day. Just because he was so out and proud, didn't mean it was as easy for others.  
Shit. He _had_ been rude. Then again, perhaps it had been troubling Remus for quite some time and Sirius just gave him a chance to talk about it.  
Or perhaps a first chance to even dare think about it at all.

He could clearly feel how fragile the moment was and how close he was to shattering Remus' trust in him for once and for all. And not just that.  
For the first time in his life, he felt fragile about the subject too. Hell no, not fragile. That wasn't a word for him.  
It was just that he pretty much had been flaunting his gay-lifestyle for quite some time now. But he never talked about it to anyone, cause no one wanted to hear.  
'I.. I never really thought about it before. I just knew. I guess.'

That was a lie. A big, fat one. There was a specific time and he could remember it as if it was happening right now. Eight years ago.  
Was he going to tell this man something he had never told a living soul before? At least not after that one time he told his father. And that hadn't ended very well..

'That's not true..' Sirius whispered and he frowned. Why was this so hard? He was talkative. Why, all of a sudden, was it so hard to find the right words?  
Because he had to admit that he _was_ capable of feeling something, even if it happened a long time ago?  
His heart skipped a beat when a warm hand rested on his wrist.  
'Forget I asked.' His equally warm voice said. 'You don't have to tell me.'  
'I think I should.' Sirius answered with a weak smile. 'I've never.. And I think I should. At least once more.'  
And he cleared his throat to buy himself some more time.

'When I was eleven, we got new neighbors. They had a son my age, Jack. We soon became friends. I was still allowed to go outside by then.'  
The look on Remus face went unnoticed.  
'On my thirteenth birthday told me of my betrothal to a cousin. We'd marry if she'd turn eighteen, which would me a few months after my own eighteenth birthday. I was furious because I hated her, you see. Not the girls-are-yuk kind of hatred. She was cruel and deliberately hurtful. I know I can be mean and imposing sometimes, but she was just downright cruel.'  
Remus nodded in understanding.  
'As I said, I got upset. So I went to Jack's. He seemed to be the only person that was not like my family, he was kind and understanding.  
He took me to his bedroom and I started crying, I was just so angry! He gave me a hug to comfort me. And then.. he kissed me.'  
Sirius swallowed.  
'That's when I knew, I guess. It was the best thing I felt in my life.' Silence.

'May I ask what happened to Jack?' Remus asked.  
'You may.' Sirius answered. 'But it's not a cute love story.'  
'I wasn't expecting one.' Remus admitted.  
'My father caught me wanking off.' He glared sideways to Remus but his face didn't express any repulsion or disgust by his confession so he continued.  
'Mumbling Jack's name.' A small gasp. 'Guess it won't need explaining he wasn't very pleased. He made me go see Jack. Tell him I was disgusted by what he did to me and that I never wanted to see him again. And I did. For fuck's sake, I did.'  
'That is horrible.' Remus whispered. Sirius just nodded. It was quiet for a while and he could feel tears sting in his eyes.  
He wasn't going to cry, he learned not to. But right now he missed Jack's comforting arm more than ever.

As if the man could read mind, one arm carefully wrapped around Sirius' shoulders on the small couched. He looked at Remus, who shrugged.  
'If you don't mind I won't kiss you.' He awkwardly joked but it made Sirius smile nevertheless.  
'I don't.' He moved closer to Remus on the couch, pulled up his legs and rested his head on the man's chest.  
The second arm wrapped around him too and it was the safest Sirius had felt in his life. It was warm and it smelled good.  
'Thank you. And thank you for listening.' He whispered in the sweater and the arms gave him a little squeeze.

Even though it quite ruins the soft moment, Sirius was having a very hard time not to give into kissing the man himself.  
Or trying not to get hard. It was quite hard to hide a boner in sweatpants and he did not want to ruin their fresh friendship by making Remus think he was a sex maniac.  
He was, obviously. But not with Remus. Really.

'I guess that explains a few things.' Remus mumbled, probably more to himself.  
'Like what?' Sirius asked and Remus hesitated to answer for a while. He did, though.  
'Like why you didn't seem to be upset your parents kicked you out. And your need for.. casual contact.'  
He could feel Remus fear for Sirius' response. But he didn't feel anger.  
Sirius just made a face at those words but he knew it was true. That moment had damaged his young heart so much that he decided not to fall in love ever again.  
Which was why the fuzzy feelings towards this man had made him so confused. It was the first time in nine years he had felt that way again.

'Hey!' Sirius all of a sudden exclaimed, wrestling himself free from the arms and poked Remus in the chest. 'We were talking about you, here!'  
'No, we weren't.'

'We should be, though. I gave you a few secrets and you've given none in return so far! Is it safe to ask when _you_ found out, or are you going to throw with teacups again?' Remus scowled but Sirius could see a hint of laughter in his eyes as he looked up. He was still in the safety zone.  
'I'm not sure I'm ready to tell yet. I'm not even sure at all that I know.'  
'Oh come on, I just told you the most touching story of young Sirius and Jack. You have to give me something in return while you are still holding me so gentle and loving.'

'I had James put up a bed for you last night. Isn't that enough?'  
'That is so sweet!' Sirius exclaimed before he realized. 'But no!' He quickly saved himself.  
'Gods. Alright. I guess I shouldn't have asked if I didn't want you to return the question. Let's just say that it _might_ be the matter on hand here. I just haven't come to term with it myself yet. And I'd feel very uncomfortable to talk about it while I'm still not sure of it myself. So.. Let's not give it a name yet, for now.'  
'Okay.' Sirius agreed. There was a long silence. Remus was gay. See. He was right. Alright, the man was still doubting himself but that was enough for him.  
A man wouldn't just doubt his sexuality without reason.

'How about this.' Remus started. 'I've got one more day off tomorrow. We spend it together, do something fun and get to know each other a little better.  
Not a bad idea, seeing you live here now. It would make me feel more comfortable talking to someone I know better. Plus, that'll give me some time to find the right words. If I found them, I'll tell you.'  
'Why me?' Sirius asked, all of a sudden. 'I'm not known for being the most trustworthy person.'  
'Well, call me crazy and some people probably will, but I trust you.'  
'I'll call you crazy.' Sirius mumbled, pretend mocking. Good thing Remus hadn't found the letter or they wouldn't be having this conversation at all.  
'You can. But I trust you. I know I can. So, have we got ourselves a deal?'  
Sirius blushed. Oh Gods. How was that even possible? Way out. Way out.

'You got yourself a deal, mate.' Sirius grabbed Remus' hand and gave him a hearty handshake, trying to ignore that little tumble in his stomach.  
There, _that_ was more Sirius than the blushing.  
'Great. Thank you. Now why don't you go to sleep, it's quite late.'  
'Shouldn't I make the bed first?'  
'Did it when you were taking a shower.'  
'You are amazing.'  
Remus shrugged. 'I know.'  
They both grinned like two silly schoolgirls.  
'Just go to sleep. I bet you are a cranky little bastard in the morning. And no surprises in the shape of men, alright? I'm not sure I can handle any more of that.'  
Sirius treated him to an insulted face but was in fact pleasantly surprised by this cocky response.  
So there was a lot more fire to this man than he gave him credit for.  
'Alright, sir. I'll see you in the morning. And you better make sure you're not a cranky bastard yourself!'  
They both raised from the couch and found themselves standing opposite each other.

Sirius felt there was just one last thing to do before he would finally spend a night in this house.  
He wrapped his arms around Remus' waist and rested his head against the man's shoulder.  
'Welcome home.' He mumbled into the fabric of the sweater. And this time it was not awkward.  
There was a mutual understanding that got ensured when Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius' shoulders and pressed him firmly against his chest, even if it was just for a second.  
There was something growing here. It shouldn't have a name yet, but Sirius had hopes. Good ones.  
'Thank you.' Was all Remus said. Sirius just hoped Remus wouldn't find the courage next day to tell him he was secretly in love with James.  
He'd never live that down.


End file.
